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Such is Fatherhood.

So I’ve been brainstorming a few ideas lately; working novel ideas over and boardgame ideas. Occasionally they tie together and are roughly the same. But at the end I come to the understanding that I need a specialized workspace for such. Unfortunately I have a small house. I am currently living in a two bedroom rambler with my wife and our son. While this seemed to be the perfect opportunity to spend more time with the family, bonding over dinner and watching tv, I really need a space of my own; I feel guilty about it.

I know that if I had my own space I’d “get more stuff done.” But I worry, and really know the truth, that I would just hide there like I used to. Before we had Luke, I’d always had an office. I’d always had a space that is mine, and mine alone. I’d invite my wife down to the man-cave to spend time with me, but she was a visitor from a magical, potpourri-smelling, girly land. Men lived here, and she was well aware.

Now I am a large desk pushed behind the couch and next to our water tower. The last bastion of man. I have no garage and no place to rest my beer. Such is fatherhood I suppose.

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My Gift.

This morning, I think I discovered my gift. For quite some time I have lamented over what I am supposed to do with myself, and who I am supposed to be. And I have been praying a lot. I mean nearly all the time. Well once you acclimate yourself to the waters of constant communication with God, things in your life start to change. I have become more loving with my family, more understanding in relationships outside the home, and really just a more giving, and honest person. Well maybe not more humble, but I will let you decide.

(more…)

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Oh, the Inches.

Wow, things have been moving quickly. The last week or so has shown that Washington does get snow from time to time. We have gotten about 4-6 inches per day (or rather night) and forced me to stay home from work. Well maybe forced is too strong a word, but I stayed home two days last week.
Luke is getting so much bigger. I cannot believe it! Lacey is going to take him to a doctor’s appointment soon and then we’ll know his current weight and length. It is so odd to think of Luke as a real person. He still seems like a dream that Lacey and I had so long ago. I didn’t think that I could love someone as much as I do now. Luke is the reason that I went to work today. Actually I was offered the day off today, but I knew that Luke needs food and clothes. I felt so differently only a month ago. I couldn’t wait to go home; any reason to stay home was accepted. I was a different person.
But things change and so do I, I guess.

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Sorry this is such a big post, I just thought it was very worthwhile.  Take a read; especially the last one.  (I did not write this.)

1. Don’t pick on the weak. It’s immoral. Don’t antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid.
2. Don’t hate women. It’s a waste of time
3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized.
4. Get in a fistfight, even if you are going to lose.
5. As a former Marine, take it from me. Don’t join the military, unless you want to risk getting your balls blown off to secure other people’s economic or political interests.
6. If something has a direct benefit to an individual or a class of people, and a theoretical, abstract, or amorphous benefit to everybody else, realize that the proponent’s intentions are to benefit the former, not the latter, no matter what bullshit they try to feed you.
7. Don’t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don’t be a “conservative.” They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they’re perpetual victims. Listen to talk radio for a while, you’ll see what I mean.
8. Don’t take proffered advice without a critical analysis. 90% of all advice is intended to benefit the proponent, not the recipient. Actually, the number is probably closer to 97%, but I don’t want to come off as cynical.
9. You’ll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don’t owe the vast majority of people shit.
10. Don’t undermine your fellow young men. Mentor the young men that come after you. Society recognizes that you have the potential to be the most power force in society. It scares them. Society does not find young men sympathetic. They are afraid of you, both individually and collectively. Law enforcement’s primary purpose is to suppress you.
11. As a young man, you’re on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women’s Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.
12. Young men provide the genius and muscle by which our society thrives. Look at the Silicone Valley. By in large, it was not old men or women that created the revolution we live. Realize that society steals your contributions, secures it with our intellectual property laws, and then takes credit and the rewards where none is due.
13. Know that few people have your best interests at heart. Your mother does. Your father probably does (if he stuck around). Your siblings are on your side. Everybody else worries about themselves.
14. Don’t be afraid to tell people to “Fuck off” when need be. It is an important skill to acquire. As they say, speak your piece, even if your voice shakes.
15. Acquire empathy, good interpersonal skills, and confidence. Learn to read body language and non-verbal communication. Don’t just concentrate on your vocational or technical skills, or you’ll find your wife fucking somebody else.
16. Keep fit.
17. Don’t speak ill of your wife/girlfriend. Back her up against the world, even if she’s wrong. She should know that you have her back. When she needs your help, give it. She should know that you’ll take her part.
18. Don’t cheat on your wife/girlfriend. If you must cheat, don’t humiliate her. Don’t risk having your transgressions come back to her or her friends. Don’t do it where you live. Don’t do it with people in your social circle. Don’t shit in your own back yard.
19. If your girlfriend doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to your life, fire her. That’s what girlfriends are for.
20. Don’t bother with “emotional affairs.” They are just a vehicle for women to flirt and have someone make them feel good about themselves. That’s the part of a relationship they want. For you it is a lot of work and investment in time. If they are having an emotional affair with you, they’re probably fucking someone else.
21. Becoming a woman’s friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven’t gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won’t ever get her. She’ll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she’s having with someone else.
22. Have and nurture friendships with women.
23. Realize that love is a numbers game. Guys fall in love easily. You’re going to see some girl and feel like you’ll die if you don’t get her. If she rejects you, move on to the next one. It’s her loss.
24. Don’t be an internet troll. Got out and live life. There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don’t need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women’s photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young “women” seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors. This is especially true if the post uses common gay lexicon like “hole” as in “fuck my hole” or seeks “masculine” men, or uses the word cock (except in the context of “Don’t send a cock shot.”) There are women on Craigslist. They are easily recognizable by their 2-5 paragraph postings. Most are in their 30’s or older.
25. When you become a man in full, know that people will get in your way. People who are attracted to you will somehow manage to step in your path. Gay guys will give you “the look.” Old people will somehow stumble in front of you at the worst time. Don’t get frustrated. Just step aside and go about your business. Know that these are passive aggressive methods to get you to acknowledge their existence.
26. Don’t gay bash. Don’t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It’s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.
27. If your gay, admit it to yourself, your parents, your friends and society at large. Be prepared to get harassed. See rule 14. If someone threatens you or assaults you, call the cops. Have them arrested. You have no obligation to self sacrifice because of who you are. As a gay person, you’ll have more social freedom than straight men. Use it to protect yourself. Be prepared to get out of Dodge if your orientation makes your life unbearable. Move to San Francisco, New York, Atlanta, or New Orleans. You’ll find a welcoming community there.
28. Don’t be a poser. Avoid being one of those dudes who puts a surfboard on top of their car, but never surfs, or a dude with a powder coated fixed gear bike and a messenger bag, but was never a messenger. Live the life. Earn your bona fides.
29. Don’t believe the crap about the patriarchy. More women are accepted and attend college. More degrees are awarded to women than men. Women outlive men. More men commit suicide. Men are twice as likely to be victims of violence, including murder. If you consider sexual assaults in prisons, twice as many men are raped as women (society thinks prison rape is funny). The streets are littered with homeless men, sprinkled with a few homeless women. Statically, women are happier than men. The myth that girls are being cheated by are educational system is belied by the fact that schools are bastions of femininity, mostly run by and taught by women. Girls outperform boys in school. It is the boys in school getting fucked over, and prescribed ritalin for being boys. Real wages for men are falling, while real wages for women are rising. Just because someone says something enough times, doesn’t make it true. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
30. Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest.

vicioustwist
san francisco
02-15-07

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Past Transgressions.

The emotional soup is simmering now that the Moon is transiting through your own sign and harmonizing with the planets swimming in watery Pisces. Your feelings reassure you of your place in the world. And, though you may not like what you see around you, you still know that your reactions are your own. Remember that you are responsible for your own inner life, no matter what happens “out there.” Monday, February 26, 2007

How far have I come that I have to rely on random text from a horoscope to guide my day? Really, I find myself reading this everyday and somehow applying it to my life and the things that are continuously happening. Where have I gone wrong? What have I done differently that I should have avoided? Oh mighty crab help me in my journey…

Wow, I must be a fool.

Recently I have confided in a few people some things that I really have been ashamed of during my life. While it is very refreshing to get this off my chest once in a while, I now feel embarrassed and persecuted at every turn. In confidence means just that, but I cannot help feeling that I will be found out to be the traitor that I am, or rather once was. I lived a life that wasn’t very favorable in the eyes of God, but I thought of myself as a righteous warrior; my shield shining on the outside, but rotten within. In time I changed and chose to become the things that I knew I should, but still, deep inside, I feel unclean. I know that God’s forgiveness is forever and very real, but I am unclear how to truly separate myself from the sin that was a strong part of who I was for so long.

I hold no discontent to those that I have given this confidence to, and I know that it will not be disclosed. The reason that I went through my own trials is to show witness to others that it can be overcome. And really I shouldn’t be worried that victory is disclosed, should I?

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For Lacey.

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My Rollercoaster.

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

This is one of my most memorable quotes from a movie. In 1989 Steve Martin starred in this film and forever changed my life: Parenthood. This movie contains so many life lessons that we all have shared. I feel that I can identify with almost all the characters, or I would strive to feel the emotions that each character experiences throughout.

When I was growing up I felt lost and alone most of the time. This isn’t to say that I was without people around me, but rather I felt dead inside. Soon I found myself whole again with the help of my wife and the help of God. This isn’t a miraculous transformation, but just another occurrence in the mystery of our creator.

Recently I was surprised with the news that I was to be a father. Again I felt lost and alone, however with the help of my wife and my Father, I realized that this is the path set out for me. I yearned for my unborn child, and I felt that I had always wanted this kid. However on Friday we went to the doctor to hear the heartbeat for the first time.

It wasn’t there. No heartbeat, no baby, nothing. We were devastated. Loss of this magnitude isn’t something that I have experienced in a very long time. However, with the help of my wife and again my Father I know that we can persevere.

Thank you everyone whose kind words have helped us in our time of need.

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